Real Moms Real Challenges: Overcoming Perfectionism

Today is Part 3 of the Real Moms Real Challenges guest post series! Nikki Crump of Healing Mama Remedies joins us to share something that I can definitely relate to as a mom. She poignantly writes about her struggle with depression, as a result of feeling like she needed to be the perfect mother.

Loneliness is a real thing in motherhood. At times motherhood can seem like this big intimidating thing that is hard to tackle, not to mention the unrealistic expectations society has set on us. There is so much parenting advice floating around, however, and not enough community support to help us be better mothers.

When I first became a mother I measured myself by those unrealistic expectations. Not only was I feeling pressure from the outside world, I felt judgment from family members towards my parenting (still do sometimes). I also judged myself harshly. Needless to say depression set in, and it set in HARD. All of these factors made me feel isolated.

How could I find sisterhood among a sea of women who were trying to be the perfect mothers just like me? I feared that they too would judge me, or even worse I would compare myself to them, and find that in fact I was a horrible mother. Maybe she would look at my diaper bag and see that it’s a mess inside. Or maybe she would notice that I let my daughter dress herself, and she’d think I didn’t care about her appearance. Not only was I depressed; I was an insecure mother.

After my second child was born, I experienced a sense of freedom. I did carry a bit of residual insecurity with me, along with depression. But after a while I decided to break those “perfect mothering standards” that held me down. I decided it didn’t matter if people thought I was a good mother. What mattered was that I KNEW I was a good mother.

I also changed my mind about the definition of what a good mother was. I used to think that it was being perfect. The perfect clean home, well behaved children, home cooked meals every night, and that I was always well dressed.  Yeah, that was just too much for me to handle each day.

To me, the perfect mother is the one who tries. Trying doesn’t mean perfect, trying means that you do the best you can FOR THAT DAY. I understand now that trying is going to look different everyday. Some days I may have it all together and other days I won’t. However, that’s okay. Life goes on.

Once I found freedom in my imperfections as a mother, I cared less and less about what others thought of my parenting. Their judgments didn’t destroy my self-esteem. Sure, my kid just threw a massive temper tantrum in the store. That doesn’t make me less of a mother, and no, your dirty looks won’t make me feel badly.

I found a small community of mothers who didn’t care about those things. Once we began to let down our guards, we could experience motherhood together: the good and the bad. My freedom rubbed off on my mommy friends as well. It made for much more satisfying relationships, and soon the isolating feelings melted away.

It did take me a while to find this very small group of women. These women give me empathy at my lowest parenting moments. They have mercy on the fact that I can’t do it all or be it all. It healed me, and I’m thankful for them. Motherhood should be a sisterhood. Not one where we all stand in our own corners of judgment (yes, I’m guilty of it too). There are a lot of mothers who need support. Just by being honest in our imperfections, we start to break the isolation that has become motherhood.

 

You can read more of what Nikki writes over at Healing Mama Remedies, a blog about motherhood and wellness. Nikki is a military wife and mommy of two (soon-to-be three). She loves tea and heavy lifting.  

 

 

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