Whining can drive even the most patient of us crazy. But when young kids whine, it’s actually a symptom of a deeper issue.
It can be a signal that your child needs help, either in processing emotions that are weighing on her, or in meeting other needs. So if you want to eliminate whining, you have to address what’s underneath.
These six strategies will help you set boundaries, stay in control, and teach your children better ways to express themselves!
1. Understand Why They Whine in the First Place
Whining is a way to express feelings, whether it’s sadness, anger, frustration, or powerlessness. Kids at any age belt out emotions in various octaves or in a whiny chant, but the good news is that whining peaks between 2 and 4 years old.
Not that we’re ever off the hook completely. As soon as we get through the toddler years, other challenges, such as homework and screen time, may elicit a series of whining incidents. Still, it’s good to know the window.
Whining can also mean our children, especially toddlers, are asserting their independence. While becoming independent is positive and natural, it may lead to constant demands of “I want, I want.” When kids are told no or given boundaries, whining, or even a full-blown tantrum, can erupt.
2. Let Your Child Know You’re Listening
Recognize that your child is communicating her feelings- although in a less-than-pleasant way- and let her know you’re listening.
She’s letting you know she needs your help in some way. If you can figure out what that is, meeting her needs preemptively will help her break the whining habit. She babbles happily when she’s happy, right? Well, when she’s tired or frustrated, complaining about it feels better to her.
First, recognize her feelings and give her a helpful phrase to use instead of whining: “Oh, you sound frustrated/worn out/bothered/sad right now.” Sometimes just feeling heard is enough to stop whining in its tracks.
Then teach her that she can do something to make her feel better, besides whining: “What could you do to feel better? Want to stop on this bench for a little rest? Do you want a drink of water?”
3. Give Them As Much Power As You Can
Since whining is a function of powerlessness, give your child as much power as you can in these situations. Ask him what he’d like to do today, rather than just dragging him to an event.
You may love the idea of an outing, but that doesn’t mean he finds it appealing- maybe he just wants some downtime to play with his trains.
Kids who are in daycare or preschool all week often need to be home on weekends to regroup. Some children may also just need a lot of downtime because they get over-stimulated by new situations. Many little ones find crowds overwhelming.
On the other hand, if all your child ever wants to do is play with his trains and you want to go out to somewhere fun occasionally, you’re entitled. The key is balancing everyone’s needs so that he gets his need for downtime met before you head out.
Give him some warning and choice about the family plans. For instance, explain that the family is going to a festival to have fun together, and tell him about the benefits. (Like there will be great music, and we’ll snuggle together on a blanket to listen to it, and he can play with his toys on the blanket, and you’ll bring some tasty snacks.)
Find a way to give him some choices about it. Does he want to leave now or in an hour? What songs does he want to listen to in the car? Which toys does he want to bring to play with there?
4. Show Plenty of Positive Attention
All humans are hard-wired with two basic emotional needs – belonging and significance. One of the crucial ways parents can meet a child’s need for belonging is to give kids sufficient amounts of attention.
Kids don’t whine to intentionally irritate us—they whine because they haven’t learned a positive, productive way to get our attention or have their needs met.
Let’s face it, parents are the busiest creatures on the planet and there are about a billion things competing for our time and attention. But when kids aren’t getting as much positive attention as they need from us, they’ll experiment with different ways to get our attention– whining, helplessness, or tantrums.
And of course, when kids whine, we typically respond with a correction or a reprimand; not exactly the positive attention they were looking for, but it worked to get our attention.
So make sure that your child gets enough of your positive attention, unprovoked. Pre-empt whining by giving attention before she gets demanding. The secret is to take the initiative and give attention your child hasn’t asked for, often, so she feels your support and connection.
You should shoot for several minutes of quality time every day with each child. You can play their favorite card game, shoot hoops in the driveway, or do whatever they love to do! During the special one-on-one time, ignore the email notification. Don’t respond to the text. Hold off on the dinner prep.
When you fill your children’s attention basket positively and proactively, they will become more cooperative and less likely to resort to whining as a way to gain your attention.
5. Help Your Child Learn to Use Their Words
What you ultimately want to teach your kids is that it’s okay to feel frustrated or get overwhelmed, but we should use our words to get what we need instead of yelling or whining.
You can say something to your child like: “I want to help you, but it’s hard for me to understand what you’re trying to tell me when you use that voice. Let’s have a redo. Say “Snack, please”. And then you pause and let them say the words back.
When they do say those words, praise them for it: “Thank you so much for using your words so I can help you. I understand you want a snack.”
Sometimes we can’t always meet their needs in the moment, but we want to try to always recognize when they verbalize something that they need. This can look like: “Thanks for letting me know that. Gimme one second. Let me finish the dishes, and I’ll be right with you.”
6. Give Them an Outlet to Cry
Sometimes kids whine because they’ve built up stress and uncomfortable feelings they don’t know how to let out.
They may have a lot of pent-up emotions about things that are stressing them: the new babysitter you left them with on Friday night, that kid who grabbed the toy away in the sandbox, a new baby, etc. There’s no end to stressful developmental challenges!
You can find out if your child just needs to cry by holding him and saying “You seem pretty crabby right now. I wonder if you just need to cry? That’s ok, everyone needs to cry sometimes.” And then give him as much time as he needs to get out his emotions.
Every year your child will gain more self control and be more able to manage the expression of his moods and feelings. In the meantime, young kids’ frontal cortexes are still developing and they can’t always hold it together.
That’s why they have you to hold them and give them hope when the world seems bleak. Enjoy meeting their needs now, while you can- so they’ll know you’re still the go-to person when they feel overwhelmed by the world at age 16.
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