Another popular Christian blogger announced her divorce this week.
In this situation, it was her husband who decided to dissolve the marriage. But he did so in the same vein of being unhappy, as this blogger wrote about three months ago.
When did we start thinking that marriage is primarily about our happiness? We now have an entire generation of people who believe they are entitled to a life of comfort and ease. If something feels too hard, no worries; they can just quit on it.
Even if “it” happens to be your spouse and family.
But marriage, first and foremost, is supposed to be a picture of Christ’s relationship with the Church. The enemy wants to tear that picture down off the wall in your home and destroy it. From the very beginning, he was about the destruction of marriage and family (Genesis 3).
The Bible articulates other reasons for the purpose of marriage as well. The following three are the most important, in my opinion:
- Companionship
- Procreation
- Holiness
From this list, we see that marriage provides us with lifelong friendship, sustains life on earth, and brings us closer to God through the process of sanctification.
It is not for the purpose of our happiness.
When you subscribe to the view that the main purpose of marriage is to make you happy, it’s easy to see why so many marriages fail. As soon as the fun stops or the romantic feelings fade away, people quit and the marriage collapses.
Marriage is God’s design, and His purposes must be pursued in order for you to be truly happy. His end is holiness and He will use all things in a life devoted to Him to fulfill that end.
Please don’t expect your kids to be concerned with your own personal happiness, either. That is a huge burden to foist on them. They don’t need a parent who feels fulfilled by another human being; they need to feel safe and protected.
I understand there are situations where there is abuse or adultery, and those are serious, yes. The Bible allows for divorce in certain circumstances such as these. But to conclude that it’s acceptable to walk away because you feel unfulfilled or unheard or even unloved, is just plain selfish.
The blogger mentioned above describes how she came to the decision to leave her marriage, which includes a summary of her new book:
Love Warrior is a book about self-trust. It’s a book about a woman who has painstakingly learned that there is a still, small voice guiding her through this brutiful life one next right thing at a time. And that the only thing she cannot do – not ever again – is betray that voice… And by the way, success to me is not staying in a marriage — it’s staying in my own peace. At all costs. And so, even when it’s highly inconvenient – even when it feels CRAZY – I will listen to the voice, and I will obey it.
Listening to the voice inside of you and not betraying it. Prioritizing your own peace above all else. Being true to yourself. It all sounds pretty good.
Except that “still small voice” may just be a big, fat liar.
In nearly 14 years of marriage, I’ve felt that “totally hopeless, beyond all repair” feeling more than once. I’ve felt like I was just fighting a losing battle.
But it was a feeling. It wasn’t true.
Oh, it certainly felt true, but then again all lies from the devil are very convincing that way. He wants you to feel like the only “hope” you have is in walking away. He wants you to buy into the baloney of irreconcilable differences.
But moms, there is hope for your marriage- because of Jesus. Because He went to the cross for you, for your husband, for all the things you will ever do and say to each other.
For all the wrongs and all the misunderstandings and all the scars. He can rebuild trust, change hearts, and redeem.
If you’re in a marriage that feels hopeless, I want you to know, you’re right.
Without Jesus, all marriages are hopeless. We are selfish, sinful people, who, when left to ourselves, will always choose what we think is best for us.
But with Christ all things are possible.
I know this because the very Word of God says so. And I’ve watched Him work these truths of Scripture out in my own relationship to bring healing and restoration. I know what it’s like to fight for my marriage on my knees.
When you go through some pretty tough circumstances and come out on the other side with your marriage intact, being even better than before, that’s a powerful testimony to the redemptive work of the Lord in your lives.
And it will speak volumes to the children you are leaving a legacy to.
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So well said. Marriage is not about feelings, it’s about commitment. Nothing in life can ever make you happy ALL THE TIME, marriage included. It’s so sad to see people giving up on their marriages like this.
Thanks Hannah! Yes, our vows didn’t say anything about “’til we don’t feel like dealing with hardship do us part”. If we’re expecting our spouse to make us happy and meet all our needs, we will definitely be disappointed and disillusioned!
Thank you – a post like this takes courage. Holiness is so often ignored and feeling are so often our focus. Jon and I will soon celebrate 40 years of married courage. He’s a wonderful man and I love him deeply. But there have been days. You know. And we stay because we love God more.
Wow, congratulations on 40 years Joy! Exactly- holiness is forgotten about and cast aside in favor of feelings that change like the wind. This spiritual relativism has sadly even infected the church.
THIS <3 I'm over here wavin' my hanky haha This is so true, so Gospel-led. I get so disappointed when Christian women threaten divorce or spouses talk about separation and divorce. What?!?! I'm sorry but marriage is forever. You made a covenant. This rings so true and so refreshing!! Absolutely sharing so others can be blessed as well!
I get really disappointed when Christian women leaders say they’re getting a divorce, too. And it drives me crazy when they use the “still small voice” argument as justification. What happened to letting the Holy Spirit guide you? “You made a covenant”- yes!!! Marriage is hard, hard work because (surprise) you’re married to another sinful human being, but on your wedding day you said, “in good times and in bad.” Thanks for commenting and sharing, Keri!
This post. AHHH. Someone who gets it! (God obviously but He uses people too right?!) I found a post the other day titled “To the Wife Who Stayed” and then I found Heaven Not Harvard and now this. God is lining up just what I need to hear, praise Him!!!!
I’m so glad God is guiding you to these different blog posts, Meghan. He always knows exactly what we need when we need it! I really appreciate you reading and commenting. 🙂
Such truth and wisdom in your words. Bless you for sharing your heart and encouragement on this topic. Much needed in our world today where marriages are so disposable.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Andrea! God really impressed this topic on my heart, to call out the lies for what they are. I recognize them easily, because I fell for them too once!
great post. I enjoyed reading it!
This is beautiful. Thank you for the encouragement and reminder!
After 5 years of marriage, credit fraud, adultery and constantly being broke due to my husbands spending habits, I am considering filing for divorce. We have a 15 month old daughter and We have only lived together (outside of parent’s homes) for one of the five years. We have been separated three times and cannot seem to make the marriage work. I do not believe in divorce, but I cannot make go on this way with my husband constantly making me broke and not having our own place. We have NO relationship at all. I have felt like a used item my entire marriage, rather than a wife that is cared for. I have been taken advantage of in monetary means and emotionally. We have caused each other a great deal of pain and are miserable together. I know marriage isn’t about happiness. Do you believe people should stay in this scenario if it is unhealthy? I was suffering severe depression living in his mother’s home, trying to raise our daughter. I have hope/faith in God to redeem this situation…I just don’t know how long I should wait. I’ve been praying for these things for 5 years. The decisions that are continually made will now effect our daughter’s life. I have been living with my parent’s for almost 4 months, transporting our daughter back and forth between the homes. It is heartbreaking as it is my first child. I guess I just have to wait for the Lord to do something? I’ve felt stuck for years…waiting for God to do something. I kind of wish I would have got out before I got pregnant…just so that this whole situation wouldn’t affect my daughter’s life. I do trust that God knows what he is doing…so I guess, I’ll just hang in and see.
I am so sorry you’re going through this, Sarah. Adultery is a pretty big deal, something I have never personally walked through. I have seen the powerful work of redemption in others’ marriages, however, who have experienced this. They would tell you that it was worth staying and fighting, even though it was incredibly hard. Have you tried counseling? There are no easy answers, but I truly believe that with God anything is possible. Here is the link to an article I’ve found helpful and inspirational: http://rebekahmhallberg.com/can-one-person-really-make-a-difference.html
It’s situations like those that you reference that makes me wonder if maybe we’ve been focusing on what Biblical submission looks like for a little too long. Even in some of those types of marriage books, it seems to come down to, “This is what a happy marriage looks like.”
You’re right. It’s not about happiness. It’s about following God’s will for your lives. When you are led to marriage, then you have a teammate (or at least a prayer partner) for whatever God calls you to do.
I couldn’t agree more!! Thank you for these words of truth! It’s encouraging to know that there are other wives and mothers out there who are willing to listen to God’s Word instead of their inner voice! Blessings on you my friend.